LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 

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016 112 391 2 9 



SCHOOL AND SOCIAL DRAMA. 



"-A-ct T^rell 3ro"u.r part." 



Hans Yon Smash. 



7. ^. pENI30)N 



:E'I^XOE! 15 CEIsTTS 



CHICAGO : 

T. S. DENISON 
1S7S. 



NO PLAYS EXCHANGED, 



T. S. DENISON'S CATALOGUE OF 

NEW PLAYS, 

FOR SCHOOLS and AMATEURS 
1878. 



These plays have been prepared expressly to meet the wants of teachers 
and amateur clubs. They are simple in construction, and require no scenery, 
or such as is usually at hand. They afford room for ^^ acting " They 7\rt pure 
in tone otid language. The six first on the list were before the public last 
year, and met with a very favorable reception. 

"If the succeeding- numbers are as g-ood as the first, we predict for them 
a large demand." — National Teachers' Monthly, N. T. and Chicago. 

"These plays ai)pear to be full of fiin and to teach many good lessons with- 
al." — Wis.jfour. of Education. 

"The farces are full of fun." — Daily hiter- Ocean, Chicago. 

"These plays are realizing the dearth of good literature in this department." 
— N. r. School Bulletin. 

ODDS WITH THE ENEMY. 

A drama in five acts; 7 male and 4 female characters. Time i hour 50 min. 
Contains a good humorous negro character. 

"It took splendidly. 'Tabbs' made it spicy." — C. E. Rogers, Dunkirk, Iiid. 

SETH GREENBACK. 

A drama in four acts; 7 male and 3 female characters. Tine t hour 15 m. 

" ' Seth Greenback' has one very good Irish comic character, and some 
pathetic and telling situations. The plot is simple and dramatic, and culmin- 
ates well." — lovja Normal Mo7ithly. 

WANTED, A CORRESPONDENT. 

A farce in two acts, 4 male and 4 female characters. Time 45 m. \'ery 
niteresting and amusing. 

INITIATING A GRANGER 

A ludicrous farce; S male characters. Time, 25 m. 

" 'Initiating a Granger' brought down the house." — y. L. Sharp, Burlington 

THE SPARKLING CUP. 

A temperance drama in five acts; 12 male and 4 female characters. Time, 
1 hour 45 m. A thrilling play, worthy the best efforts of amateurs. Pathetic song 
and death scene. 

"It is just the thing for dramatic cXxxh?,."^— The Anvil, Washington, D. C. 






HANS VON SMASH 



-A. IF^^iE^OE 



T. S. DENISON, 

Author of Odds with the Eitemy ; The Sparkling Cup; Seth Greenback; 

Louz a ^ the Pauper ; Watited, A Correspondent; Initiating a Granger; 

A Family Strike ; The Assessor ; Tjvo Ghosts in White; 

Borrowing Trouble ; The Pull- Back ; 

Country Justice ; etc. 






CHICAGO: >^,-^ ■ ^y^^^ 




1878. 

Copyright, 1878, by T. S .Deniaoa 






CHARACTERS. 



Hans Von Smash. 
Mr. Batch. 

Henry Dasher. 

John Prettyman. 

Mary Batch. 

Susie Batch. 

Katie, servant. 



COSTUMES. 



Hans in dress to represent a German emigrant lately 
arrived. Prettyman to represent a dandy. Mary and 
Susie in plain w^orking dress in the prologue, in neat 
evening- dress in the farce proper. Others in dress 
suitable to the character. 



SITUATIONS. 



R means right for the actor as he faces the audience ; 
Z, left; C, center. 



Steam Press of 
Cushing, Thomas &. Co., 170 Clark St. 



HANS VON SMASH 



PROLOGUE. 

ISCENE. — Roo7n in a farm house. Doors R and L. Sofa R. Chairs R 
and L. Pictures^ &c. Farmer Batch discovered as curtain 
rises, reading a paper. Knocking at door L. Batch opens 
door L. Enter Hans. 

Hans. Goot tay^ Meester! 

Batch. Good day! Come in! Take a chair! 

Hans. Vat do you tink apout te wetter to-morrow? 

Batch. Well, I don't know. What do you think about it? 

Hans. Ach! I shust tinks if it ton't clear upte cloudy wetter 
tay before to-morrow, maype it was rainin next tay. 

Batch. Probably so ! A very pointed observation, considered 
in a meteorological sense ! 

Hans. Ya! ya! Dot's yoost vot I was bin dryin' to say all 
dair wile. {A pause. Batch reads.) Maype you hires mine hants. 

Batch. What did you say? 

Hans. Mine hants! {Holds up his hands.) Maype you hires 
dem ! To hoe in de garten ! Oond tig te grount opples. 

Batch. Oh ! I understand. I do want a hand, 

Hans, Himmel ! I hires poth hants ! 

Batch. I want only one hand at present. May be Jones, the 
next neighbor, will take one ! 

Hans. Py dunder! How was I workin' mit one h ant for you 
and mit te oder for Shones? I works mit poth ter hants in one 
place ! 

Batch. Oh! I see now! What do you want a month? 

Hans. {Puzzled.) I link so! 

Batch. What wages do you ask for your services? 

Hans. Serfices! I guess dot's goot enough! I takes dot efery 
month. 

Batch. Well, I think I'll hire you. Whiat can you do? 

Hans. I dos anyting. 

Batch. Do you object to the chores, after a day's work? 

Hans. Chaws! I was notparticlars a bit;I eats allde womens 
cooks for te table to put on. 

Batch. I mean are you willing to leed the pigs and get kmd- 
ling after you quit work? 

Enter Katie, R. She dusts about the room. 

Hans. Yaf ya! I feets te pigs oond tekindlin's. I bin not par- 
ticlars. 



50 HANS VON SMASH. 

Batch. All right. What is your name? 

Hans. Hans Von Smash! 

Batch. Very good. My name is Batch. We'll get along to- 
gether, I think. Now, Mr. Von Smash, you've not been in this 
country long; let me give you a little advice! 

Hans Advice! Ya! Dot's goot, Meester Patch. 

Batch. You are not used to the ways of Americans yet. Learn 
by observing others. Always think twice before you speak, and 
look before you leap. Do you understand.? 

Hans. Fershtay ? Ya ! I tinks so. 

Katie. {Aside.) Sure an' he's as green as a frosted gourd. 

Batch. Hans, I am going away this afternoon and mav not be 
back before to-morrow. The girls will show you your work. 1 
will leave you in charge of the place. Look out for tramps. 

Haiis. Tramps! Vot ist dot.? 

Batch. Men ! They roam the country and do mischief If 
you let them in the house they may steal something. If they get 
in kick them out if they don't behave. 

Hans. I keep them right out! 

Batch. Mr. Von Smash, bring up the horses from the field back 
of the barn, and feed them halt a peck of oats apiece. Feed the 
fattening hogs in the pen two or three baskets of corn. Do you 
understand.? 

Hans. Ya! I fershtays dot, Mr. Patch. {Exit Batch, L. Hans 
looks around.) Meester Patch got one booty nice blace to shtop, I 
dinks. {Sees Katie.) Goot tay, Fraulein! 

Katie. Fryline! Ye spalpeen, will ye be callin' a dacint girrel 
names to her face.? Shame on ye, Misther Von Smash-up, or 
whatever your haythen name is. 

Hans. Oh my belts ist booty goot, I dank you. 

Katie. Shure an' it wasn't your health I was talkin' about, ye 
ill mannered baste ye. 

Hans. Vat you say, Fraulem .? I no fershtay, '^z.dam. 

Katie. Faith he's swearin" at me, I belave. If I had a shille- 
lah I'd crack your noggin, I would. 

Hans. {Puzzled.) Ya! ya! Are you te gal dot tells me vat 
I will do? 

Katie. If I did I would tell you to make tracks off the place 
intirely. Musha! an' what does the master mane a bringin' a 
dirty Dutchman here with his furrin' ways an' his breath a smel- 
hn' of sourkrout, to shame the sinses of respictable people. {Im- 
patiently.) Faith an' I think I'll get my character an' lave at 
once. 

Hans. {Aside.) By dunder, she talks booty goot ; yoost like a 
shtump talker. {Aloud.) Vat will I do dis afternoon, now. Te 
gals were to tell me, Mr. Patch said. 

Katie. I'll ask thegirrels, then, for it's not meself will be takin' 
orders to the likes of ye. 

Hans. Ist dot so? {Exit Katie^R.) Ach! dese Americans bin 
funn/ beoples. Dot one shpeaks not one bit like Mr. Patch. Vat 



HANS VON SMASH. 51 

did he tell me to do for atwice? (T/n)iA-<.) Ya! he said dink a 
coople times oond den shpeak. Fy dunder! dot gal shpeaks a 
coople times oond den links. {Thinks.) Oond he said, " Shoomp 
a coople times oond den look pack." Ach! dot's good atwice. 1 
minds dot. Tink tswi times oond look pack — no, oond shpeak. 
Shoomp a coople times oond look pack. Vat for do you look 
pack } 

Enter Mary and Susie, ^. 

Mary. Are you Mr. Von Smash } 

Hans. Ya ! ya ! dot bin me, Fraulein. 

Susie. (Aside.) What did he say about a line? 

Mary. (Aside.) I don't know. What an odd name he has. 

Hans. (Aside.) Tey was shpeakin' a coople times before tey 
tink. I'll yoost see if tey shoomp twice times pefore tey look 
pack. 

Mary. You want work** 

Hans. Ya! 

Mary. Well, you may saw wood till supper time, and do the 
chores after supper. 

Hans. Where must I put te chores .'' {Girls laugh) 

Mary. I see you don't understand. The chores are feedins^ 
the horses and hogs and driving up the cows. 

Hans. Where will I drive for te cows.'' 

Mary. (Laughing) Oh, you don't drive for the cows. You 
walk and drive the cows. 

Hans. Himmel ! dot peats me; / tvalk oond te cows drives. 

Susie. You bring them to be milked. 

Hans. Oh, yal ya! I understands now. Say, Frauleins, ist 
dot Oder American gal a seester ot yours .^ (Girls laugh.) 

Susie. Oh, no, she is our servant. 

Mary. Mr. Von Smash, you may go to work as soon as you 
are ready. (Exeujtt girls, E.) 

Hans. A serf ant ! Mav pe dot ist American language for cous- 
in. Dot American language ist a lunny language Aen it makes 
a man wa//- while the cows drive. Py dunder! te funniest ting is 
dese Americans don't all shpeak te language alike. But I guess I 
got ein booty goot blace. I moost saw wood all tay oond drive oop 
te chores in te evenin'. Oond booty gals, too! I shpeaks dot ad- 
wice ofer anoder lime, so I forgets it not at all. How isl dot.'' 
" Tink a coople of times oond shpeak. Shump a coople of times 
oond look pack." I wonder what you looks pack for.? Py him- 
mel ! I got him ; you looks pack to see how far you shoomped. 
(Exit, L) 

CURTAIN. 



52 HANS VON SMASH. 



ACT I 

Scene. — Same as in Prologue. Room arranged Jor company m Vase 
of JloTvers on table. Books, albutns, etc., displayed on table. Rock- 
ing chair L of center table. Lamp burning. 
Enter Hans, Z, 
Hans. Dis ist a funny country. Man woi-k till dark oond den 
gets after te chores. Py dunder! I ton't guess I like dem chores 
at all. I moost first trive oop te cows. One of tern cows will not 
trive goot. I yoost hit him mit a shtick. Py himmel! dot cow 
lifted me on his head oond drowed me mit de fence ofer. I was 
mat! I sewed more as one hour on te hole -where dot tence went 
through my bantaloon preeches. Te gals laughed like a circus. 
Tem gals got shplendit good dempers. Tey told me I moost not 
at all pring oop dot cow. Ach! I tinks I wouldn't pring him any 
more. Oond vat a lot of porks! Meester Patch sait I will feed 
dem porks some pushels of corn, oond te horses only one peck of 
weet. Dot was not fair. Te horses bin more as seven times pigger 
as te porks. I yoost divides oond geefs efery horse a pushel of 
weet, oond efery pork a pushel of corn. Ach! I bin so tired! 
Oond do*^ fence made trouble in my pack. {Rubs his back. Sits 
in easy chair.) Dot's a goot schtool ! {Rocks.) Dot's easy! Oond 
posies ! {^Smells the bouquet.) Acth ! tem maitens know yoost how to 
fix up a house. Vot dimes ish dot.? Dot moost bin apout half 
past bed time. 

Enter Katije, R. 

Katie. {Aside.) Och! it's a foine easy time he's havin' rockin' 
himself in the parlor like a gintleman. {Aloud.) Misther Von 
Smash-up, the hired men sit in the kitchen. 

Hans. Oh dis room bin goot enough! 

Katie. Good enough! The girrels will be startin' ye out o' 
here when their beaux come. 

Hans. Katrina, te Americans don't shpeak teir language all 
alike. 

Katie My name is Katie, shure, it's none o* your Dutch Ka- 
trinas. 

Hans. So.? Veil, Katie, you don't shpeak mit words like your 
cousins, te oder gals. 

Katie. {Aside.) He's takin' me for an American. An' why 
shouldn't he, for I've no furrin' ways about me at all. Misther 
Von Smash-it, we shpeak different accints in this country. It's 
the style. 

Hans. Occidents! So.? Katie-reena, mebbe I will have one 
Occident, too, when I gets te Americanish style! 

Katie. {Aside.) Faith he's not a bad gintleman at last. {Aloud.) 
Misther Smash-up, your bed-room is up stairs, second door to the 
right. 



HANS VON SMASH. 53 

Hans. Ya! ja! All right. {Exit Katie, R.) Veil, I was 
shieepj now ; but tern tramps, I was to look out for tern. Tey bin 
not here, oond I waits a shpell. {Sits and rocks.) 

Enter Mary, R. 

Mary. {Aside.) Why, is he here jet.? I expect John every 
minute. {Aloud.) Mr. Von Smash, your bed-room is at the head 
of the stairs, on the right. 

Hans. Ya!ya! Ifershtay! {Exit Mary, L.) How defer tem 



gals bin ! 



Enter Susie, R, 



Suste. {Aside.) Good gracious! There's that Dutchman! 
{Aloud.) Mr. — Mr. — 

Hans. Ya ! 

Susie. Mr. Smash, there's a fire in the kitchen stove if you 
t^i-efer it. 

Hans. Fire ! I runned after te horses enough to warm a 

ople of shtoves. 

>usie. You look tired. Your bed-room is at the right hand 

» stairs. 

Hans. Oh, I likes dis room. {Smells bouquet) 

Susie, {Aside.) Well, I declare ! And Henry may come at any 

me. I'll find a way to get him out. {Exit L.) 

Hans. Tem gals bin sociable kind of maitens. Tey makes a 

tellow feel yoost right at home. 1 likes tem petter as te chores. 

Enter Susie Z, witA oyster can. 

Susie. Mr. Smash, will you please come to the kitchen and 
pen this can of oysters for me ? 

Hans. Ya! yal"! opens him mit — mit— himmel — mit— 

Susie. With a can-opener ! 

Hans. No! mit happiness! Geefhim! {Takes can and drops 
.m hts knees, and opetis his knife.) 

Susie. Oh not there! Come to the kitchen for the can-opener. 

Hans. My yackknife will do! {Begins.) 

Susie. You v/ill injure the carpet! 

Hans. Dot injury will not harm te carpet. {7 he lid suddenly 
gives ivay and spills oysters on the carpet.) 

Suste. Oh dear! You've ruined the carpet! {Bell rin^s.) There's 
Henry! {Runs out L.) 

Hans. {Excited.) Py dunder, tem oysters shoomped out right 
away ! Vat moost I pe tooin } Tem oysters moost nefer go to 
waste ! 

Enter L, Svsi^ followed by Henry Dasher. 

Susie. Walk in Mr. Dasher! We have had a slight accident. 
Take a seat here, please. {Seats him on sofa.) Excuse me for a 
moment. 

Dasher, Certainly ! {Exit Susie, R.) What on earth is that 



\ 



54 HANS VON SMASH. 

fellow doing. {Hans empties cards from a card-basket on the table, 
and picks up the oysters one by one on his knije blade.) Is he an es- 
caped lunatic? Fellow, you will injure that basket. {Aside.) My 
present to Susie too! Confound him. 
Hans, Py dunder is dot ine basket? I dink dot was one plate. 

Enter Susie, 7?, xvith a pan., spoon and towel. 

Susie. Oh Mr. Von Smash, you've ruined my card basket? It's 
too bad, Henry. {Cleans up the oysters^ 

Dasher. Von Smash! What a name! Susie, I've a mind to 
smash his head! 

Susie. It was an accident, Henry. He is not acquainted with 
our ways. {Exit ivith pan.) 

Hans. Tern oysters was clean. I did not pick tern mit mein 
fingers. 

Dasher. Pah ! An accident indeed ! He's a blockhead. {Paces 
back and forth.) 

Hans. {Aside.) I p'leives dot feller was one tramp. He looks 
sassy sometimes. {Aloud.) Say meester, vere was you goin?' 

Dasher. That is my own business. 

Hajis. Ya! ya! I was goin' to find out a leetle vere you was 
goin'. 

Dasher. I am going nowhere. 

Hans. Goin' to shtay all night. 

Dasher. Attend to your own business, Dutchy, or I'll not be 
responsible for the consequences. {Aside.) I'd as soon lick that 
chap as eat. 

Hafis. [Looks puzzled. Aside.) I dinks dat bin one tramp. 
Meester, hat you got dis visit pooty much ofer? 

Dasher. {Excitedly.) Fellow, leave this room. I wont stand 
your insolence any longer. 

Hans. Now I knows you are one tramp. You makes te mis- 
chief yoost as Mr. Patch said. Mine frient, let me geef you one 
leetle shtick of advice. {Approaches Dasher.) 

Dasher. Sir, I'm no tramp, I'd have you understand. I'll have 
satisfaction for that insult! (Squares at Hans.) 

Hans. Listen for dot atwice. "Tink dwice oond shpeak. 
Shoomp two times oond look back." Now shoomp towards dot 
door. 

Dasher. Villain! Touch me if you dare, ajid I'll break your 
head. 

Hans. {Approaching Dasher.) You petter go or I kicks you ofer 
te yard oond out of te fence. {Dasher strikes at Hans. Hans 
kicks kirn.) 

Enter Susie, R, 

Dasher. Scoundrel ! {Hans seizes Dasher. They struggle. Hans 
collars Dasher and leads him to the door and kicks himotit.) 

Hans. Shoomp anoder time! 

Susie. Mr. Smash! Henry! What's the matter? Please Mr. 
Smash don't hurt him. {Exeunt all L.) 



HANS VON SMASH. 55 

Enter Mary, R. 

Mary. I thought I heard a noise. Where can Susie and Mr, 
Dasher be? Walking on the porch I presume. John is very 
late this evening. 

Enter Hans, L. 

Hans. Eef dot fellow comes pack I moostkick him like one big 
mule team. 

Mary. Why Mr. Von Smash have you not retired yet.? 

Hans. Tired! Ya! I pin trod oond shl^epy, but I stays here a 
leetle spell yet. {BelL rings. Exit Mary L) Veil dis ist one strange 
house vere people rings pells oond dont go to ped at all. 

Enter Mary awii John Prettymam, ZL. 

Mary. Take a seat Mr. Prettyman. {John seated R of table., 
Mary seated on sofa.) You are late this evening, John. 

Prettyman. Yes, I was detained at the store longer than usual. 

Enter Hans, L. 

Hans. Himmel! how dot fellow sh wore out in te street! (6"if^5 
Prettyman.) Py dunder, anoder one I pleives. {Seats himself L.) 

Mary. {To Prettyman.) I declare! There's our hired man! 
What has he come down stairs tor.? {To Hans.) Anything the 
matter, Hans.? 

Hans. Nein! I was pooty well! 

Mary. Couldn't you tind your bed-room? 

Hans. I haf not time yet to hunt him. 

Mary. Why, Mr. Von Smash, your work is all done. You 
can retire anytime. I will show you the way. 

Hans. Ach! I bin not sleepy, {Aside.) I yoost keeps on dot 
fellow mit one eye. 

Mary. Well I never! Where's Susie and Mr. Dasher? This 
is a trick of Susie's, I know. 

Prettymam. { With draivl.) Weally now, Miss Mary, that is 
quite a trick. 

Mary. I'll get even with her Mr. Prettyman! I'll send him to 
sit on the porch with them. 

Prettyman. Ah! Miss Mary! That's a capital idea, now weally. 

Mary. Mr. Von Smash, will you please sit on the porch a 
while and listen if Pa's commg? I think lie will be here soon, 
and when he comes he will neeu assistance with the horses. 

Hans. Ya ! Ya ! I watches te porch, 

Mary. Till lather comes! You are very kind, Hans. 

Hans. Ach! dot bin all right. {Aside.) Py dunder! I listens 
on te porch mit one ear, oond on dot fellow mit anoder ear. 
Mebbe dot was goin' to be anoder tramp. {Exit L.) 

Prettyman. Strategv, ISliss Mary, will ovehturn empiahs. (77/6/ 
seat themselves %vith tkerr back to tiie dear L.) 

Mary. Oh! I m quite a strategist, Mr. Prettyman. 



56 HANS VON SMASH. 

Prettyman. Ah, indeed you are; and your conquests are as 
lasting as complete. 

Mary. That hadn't occurred to me, John. 

Prettyman. Vewy twue, I assure you. {Moves his chair closer to 
Mary's.) 

Bans. {Opens door L and peeps in.) Dot fellow pet.ter keep 
shtill. 

Prettyman. {Draws chair closer.) Deah Miss Mary, the con- 
quests of fwiendship and — ah — and — 

Ha7is. {^teps inside. Aside.) Eef dot tramp touches dot gal, 
I knocks his head off. 

Prettyman. I was just saying, ah ! that — ah 1 
Hans. {Aside.) He petter tink a coople dimes before he shpeaks 
once. 

Prettyman. The conquests of love, ah! {Suddenly puts his arm 
around Mary and hisses her. She gives a little scream.) 

Hans. (Seizes Prei:yman by the collar and jerks him from the 
chair.) You shtop dot pooty quick! 

Prettyman. Weally, ah! this is somewhat sudden, and disa- 
gweeable, too. I certainly meant no offense. 

Hans. Fence ! Veil yoost put dot fence between you oond te 
house right away. 

Mary. Why, 'Hans, what are you doing.? 

Hans. Meester Patch sait eef a fellow was doin' meeschief, he 
was one tramp. Dot fellow was doin's meeschief. He was at- 
tactin' one single woman, oond he moost go out of dis house. 

Mary. {Laughing.) Oh, you are mistaken, Hans ; he is a friend 
of mine. 

Hans. Ine frient! Veil, I guess he was one pooty goot frient 
eef you takes all dot from him. 

Mary. John, we will sit on the porch, too, as Hans seems de- 
termined to occupy this room, 

Prettyman. Weally, I would pitch that fellow out of the woom, 
but I vewy much dislike to have anything to do with such disa- 
gweeable characters. {Exeunt John and Mary L.) 

Hans. Vat funny peoples dese Americans bm ! Dot was gweer 
frientship. Mebbe a fellow likes dot after he learns it. 

Enter Katie, R. 

Katie. Faith, Misther Von Smash-up, an' are ye here all alone.? 
Where are the girrels an' their shwatehearts.? 

Hans. The girls.? Tey bin on te porches. {Aside) Py dun- 
der! I plieves I tries dot trientship. 

Katie. Shure anl^int you lonesome shpindin' the avnin' all by 
yersilf.? {Seats herself on the sofa.) 

Hans. Ya! Ya ! a leetle pit. Katriaa, I likes te An-.ericans 
pooty goot. 

Katie. {Aside.) He takes me for an American, an' why shouldn't 
he? Have a seat Misther Hans.? 

Hans. I likes te frientship in dis country. {Puts his arm around 



HANS VON SMASH. 57 

Katie's neck and presses her head against his shoulder^ Dot bin 
goot. (Laughs.) 

Katie. {Releases herself and gives him a ringing slap in the face. 
Both jump up.) What are ye doin'? Ye've towzed me head in- 
tirely, and me switch is clane ruined. 

Hans. {Rtibbing his face.) I was not — I did not — 

Katie. • You're a dunce, I'm thinkin'. 

Hans. Don't bin mat! Dot bin only frientship. 

Katie. Quare friendship indade! I thought ye was shtalin' a 
kiss, and I'll have none of that. I'll forgive ye this time. {Seats 
herself on sofa.) 

Hans. A kees ! I nefer thought like dot. {Aside.) 1 tries dot 
kees. {Seats himself beside Katie^ Meester Patch ist one nice man. 

Katie. Yis. indade, he is. 

Haiia. 1 likes him, oond I likes dis blace, oond I likes dese 
American gals. {Kisses Katie.) 

Enter Patch suddenly L. 

Katie. Och, ye sly rouge! {Sees Batch.) Misther Batch! I 
declare! {Runs out R.) 

Batch. How's this, Hans ! I can' t allow any more of that in 
my house. 

Hans. Dot have bin enough dis time. 

Patch. This time! You are getting acquainted very fast, I 
think. 

Hans. I tink zo. 

Patch. No more of this in future, you rascal. 

Hans. I was makin' frientship. 

Patch. So I see. Very fast, too! {Pauses.) Did you feed the 
horses and pigs, as I told you.'' 

Hans. Ya 1 I feets te pigs one pushel apiece of corns, oond te 
horses one pushel apiece of weet. 

Patch. Wheat! You gave the horses a bushel apiece of wheat! 
You have foundered them and ruined me, you blundering scoun- 
drel ! {Rushes out R.) 

Hans. Dunder oond blitzen! I p'lieves dot Patch bin mat like 
plazes. 

Enter Z, Dasher, Prettyman, Mary and Susie. 

Hans. Here ist dot fellow wat shoomped a coople ot dimes, oond 
noAv he was lookin' pack. 

Dasher. Dutchy, you are a lunatic; you must leav? this room, 
and be quick about it. 

Hans. AchI 1st dot so. ■* 

Susie. Henry, please let him alone. Don't have any more dis- 
turbance. 

Mary. Oh, de.ir, no! pa wouldn't like it 

Dasher. Your lather evidentij- was not aware of the dangers 
he was subjecting his daughters to when he left that fellow to take 
care of them. 



58 HANS VON SMASH. 

Prettyman. Ah ! Dasheh, the fellow desehves seveh punish- 
ment tor his disagweeable conduct, but — ah — mightn't the conse- 
quences be uncomfortable, eh? 

Dasher. The fellow is evidently dangerous, and should be se- 
cured. He dared to la}' hands on me, confound him. 

Hans. Nein ! I laid dot on mit mine foot. 

Dasher. Villain, this is too much! Prettyman, if jOu are not 
a coward,- jou will assist me. 

's(Z[oh,dont. 

Hans. {Puzzled.) Vot he bin doin'? I don't fershtaj dot. 

Prettyman. Weally, discwetion is the better part ot valoh, but 
I think, Dasheh, if you can manage to hold the wetch, 1 can pwe- 
vent his inj awing the ladies. {Dasher seizes Ha7is and chokes him 
against the ivall.) 

Mary. Mercy! Mr. Prettyman, separate them! Murder! 

Susie. Henry! Mr. Dasher! Help! 

Enter hastily Batch and Katie, R. 

Batch. {Separates the7n.) What is this row about.'' Plague 
take it ! What do you mean } 

Dasher. You have employed a madman, and turned him loose 
in your house to wrong your family and insult your guests. He 
has created pandemonium liere. 

Batch. {To Hans.) Is this the case.'' 

Hans. Pantimony! I don't know dot fellow. 

Prettyman. He is a wegulah despewadoh. 

Katie. Indade an' it's a shame that he should turn the house 
upside down with his furrin ways a worryin' dacmt people. {Aside.) 
Faith an' he 's a good-hearted JDye after all. 

Batch. Can it be that I am mistaken in you so badly, Mr. 
Von Smash.'' 

Hans. Mebbe dot bin so, Meester Patch. I yoost p'lieved tem 
poys was tramps, oond I 3 oost kicked tem out mit te house, like 
you told me. {Batchy Katie, and Hans laugh heartily.) 

Batch. Taken for tramps ! {Laughs heartily again. ) Well, boy s, 
that 's a joke ; that will pass ! {Laughs.) It 's a good one ! 

Susie. Hans, did not mean it, pa! 

Batch. The better joke, then. 

Mary. But it was all a mistake. 

Batch. Well, gentlemen, since it was all a mistake and seems 
to be about an even thing, I'll apol(\f^ize for Hans. But, you ras- 
cal, you said you fed the horses wheat, when you put oats into the 
troughs. Besides you did n't bring a single horse into the stable 
to get his feed. 

Hans. Ven I goes out to te field for tem horses I yootst put te 
pridle shtrap ofer te head of dot big gray horse vot ist poss of dot 
puisness. Ven I took my two hands t»open dot horse's mouth to 
put in dot leetle iron shdck, dot pridle dropt oond shtriked hees 



HANS VON SMASH. 



59 



legs. Py dunder! dot horse, mit te oders after heem, went ofer 
dot field like one shtreak of lightnin*. 

Batik. And your stupidity has ruined a good bridle? 

Hans. Nein ! Dot pridle bin all goot. More as one hour aft- 
erwarts dot pridle was shtickin' on dot horse's neck. 

Batch. {Laughs heartily.) Well, Hans, I guess you will learn 
in time, though to-day I think you have succeeded in turning 
thing^s thoroughly topsy turvy. 

Hans. Ya! Ya! 

Batch. You certainly have made good your right to the name 
Hans Von Smash. 



i 



ARRANGEMENT OF CHARACTERS. 
,SV\ER' SUSIE. 



o^^ 



Ba 



\. 



.# 



CURTAIN. 



A FAMILY STRIKE. 

A spicy farce, illustrating- "strikes," 3 male and 2 female characters. Time 
20 ni'nntes. 

LOUVA, THE PAUPER. 

A drama in five acts; 9 male and 4 female characters. Time, i hour 45 min. 
Contains a a^ood Yankee character and a humorous darky character. This is 
an intensely interesting- and pathetic play. It admits of striking scenic effects- 
and is a strong play for amateurs. 

TWO GHOSTS IN WHITE. 

A humorous farce based on boardino^-school lite; 7 female characters. Time 
25 m. Abounds in ludicrous episodes. 

HANS VON SMASH. 

A roaring firce in a prolog-ue and one act; 3 male and 4 female characters. 
Time, 30 min. Contains an excellent humoro'.is Dutch character. 

THE ASSESSOR. 

A humorous sketch, illustrating- the difficulties of an assessor in listing- the 
property of a tax-fighter; 3 niale and 2 female characters. Time, 15 m. 

BORROWING TROUBLE. 

A ludicrous farce; j male and 4 female characters. Time, 30 m. Illustrates 
the yery amusing trials ot a borrowings family. 

THE PULL-BACK. 

A laughable farce; 6 female characters. Time, 20 min. Contains an ex- 
cellent old-fashioned, "old lady " character. Pictures her adventures among 
the devotees of fashion. 

COUNTRY JUSTICE. 

A very amusing country law suit; S male characters. (May admit 14.) Time 
20 minutes. 

ON THE BRINK, 
Or, The Reclaimed Husband. 

A temperance drama in two acts; 12 male and 3 female characters. Time, 
I hour, 45 m. Seven of the characters have unimportant parts, and some of the 
parts are so arranged that the same person may play two parts. Contains 
three humorous Yankee characters. A fine play for amateurs. 

A PARLOR ENTERTAINMENT. 

A Sketch ; 2 male and 5 female characters. Time, 25 m. A good piece for 
5 ounger boys and girls. 

New plays will appear from time to time. Costumes furnished. Wigs, 
beards, masks, face paints, tableau lights, etc., at lowest rates. Parties de- 
siring full information, please address us. 

T. S. DENISON, 

CHICAGO, ILL 



At prices %v it hill the I'each of any Teacher and all 
School J^oards. 



THE HOLBHOOK CONDENSING AIE-PUMP. 

The above Air- Pump, retailing at $9.00, is claimed to be superior 
to those ordinarily retailing at $20.00. 

1. It exhausts and condenses without any change of its parts, where 
on ordinary pump, capable only of exhausting the an-, costs $20 alone; 
then $8 extra must be paid for a condensing chamber; not only this, 
but the parts must be changed, and the pump is likely to get out of 
repair. 

2. Its exhausting power is at a maximum, the valves being light and 
its parts being so arranged that no air remains under the piston to re- 
sist the raising of the exhausting valve by rarified air in the receiver 
The pump is thus mechanically perfect. 

3. No instructions accompany ordinary apparatus. The above pump 
is accompanied by a hand book, giving full histriiciwns as to the prep- 
aration and maiiipiLlation of the apparatus in every experi77ient. 

4. The entire outfit costs but $20, capable of performing 100 exjaer- 
iments; in the hands of an ingenious teacher, a greater number. An 
air pump alone usually costs .525. 

LIST. 



Holbrook Condensing Air Pump 

—extra brass — w iirraiitid $^g 00 

Two stop-cocks 2 50 

OneConnector (o 

Movable Receiver 75 

Two Sing-le Nut Caps 8') 

Two Double Nut Cap- 90 



Three feet % Rubber Tubinsf... $1 00 
Band Sheeting- and Thin Rub- 
ber Sheeting- 70 

Book of Experiments and Ex- 
planations of Apoaratus 50 

Brass Plate *. 2 00 

% Gallon Bell Jar Receiver i 25 



Address 



All for $20. Carefully packed in a neat box. 

T. S. DENISON, 

Chicago, ni. 



